Week No6

(I started this writing project for myself, straight from my soul to mind, no editing or trying to make it look right or correct. So, if you are all into the grammar thing, carry on with your life like I don't exist. This project is called 10 min a day.)

10 min a day Sunday 16/12/2018

We had a Christmas party last night and I had such a lovely time. I was wearing a dress without a zip until I don’t get an extension of my arm. I am so grateful for the team that I work with it. Honestly. I woke up in a good mood this morning. I went out for coffee and was reading a Red magazine, my favourite at the moment. I start enjoying this monthly paper. I love the guest column and wonder would I be able to write for them? What would I write about?

I was also watching Sex and The City 2. I watched this movie years ago and loved it. But I am not sure how I feel about it tonight. I had such a laugh on my own and it felt good. It was like a small runaway. While watching Carrie and Miranda wondering in Souks in Abu Dhabi I got this small wish visiting Morocco again or any other arab countries.

10 min a day Monday 17/12/2018

I start having this uncomfortable pain in my lower back. Whenever I step on my right foot I get this sharp shooting pain from the my back to the leg. I haven’t lift anything, it just showed a few days ago.

I start watching this series at my friend's house, called Grace and Frankie and cried as f£&@. I can’t believe it. I just watched the first 3 episodes and I cried so much. They both been married for 30 years, but for the last 20 years their husbands were in a secret relationship. One day they decide they want to divorce their wife’s and married each other. Honestly, it is so real and pure. The pain of the wife’s and the love of husbands. What made me think tonight was the line that one the actors said: if the husbands would cheat their wife’s with women they would be baddies. But because they have been cheating with a man, then that’s acceptable and everyone can have dinner together. Very interesting point. I came home very upset. I just don’t understand why this show upset it me so much.

10 min a day Tuesday 18/12/2018

My back pain is getting a bit better. It could be because I done some yoga this morning. I try to write something this morning but for some reason I can’t concentrate. It's always when I want to write I can't. On the other side when I got home I manage to watch some Grace and Frankie again. I don't watch television, I don’t crave watching television, I read. But tonight I watched them for 3 hours and all 3 hours I was crying. I have no idea why is it so upsetting for me.

When the weather is clear I can see Crystal Palace from my writing chair. I can see the light on top of the tower shining so bright. I need to edit some photos from my work. I need to write some blog posts for my work and for my blog. But then there is this numb feeling inside me. When I want to do something and it’s just doesn’t happening. Except, if it has to happen. Like for life and death. I wish I could be me again. I am starting to have enough of myself — the way how I feel I mean.

I realised today that I don’t even know how to react when someone compliments me or when some say you did this good or you look good, or you are cute or this haircut suite you. I am completely clueless. I can’t wait to be me again. I am just noticing how much I lost myself in all these years. How could I forget about myself that much? How could I forget what I want or what my dreams were/are? How the hell this happened in front of my face without me realising?

10 min a day Wednesday 19/12/2018

Now

When I am alone

I am enough.

10 min a day Thursday 20/12/2018

No words today. Except that someone is flying drones around Gatwick airport and causing people not to fly anywhere. They are all stuck there or not be able to leave. For the second day now. No comment.

10 min a day Friday 21/12/2018

Aeroplanes are flying. I am so happy that drama at Gatwick finished.

I was waking up all night. I don’t know it's because of my flight on Sunday, Brexit or finance. Anyway, this morning when I shuffled my cards I got Two of Cups, Ace of Pentacles and Seven of Pentacles. Cups are emotions, Pentacles are money, so I guess this is what I am concerned about the most, at the moment.

It was my last working day today, and I am off until the 7th of January. I am so looking forward. I came home so tired but had to get ready for dinner with my friend in central London. There was no one at home to tell me what to wear, and there was no one at home to say that I should wear more makeup, there was no one there to ask if I am sure if I am going to wear this and be comfortable in it. There was no one. It was only me and silence. It was weird. But sort of beautiful.

10 min a day Saturday 22/12/2018

Exactly an hour ago I nearly had a break down at the bloody restaurant. Wow, that was close. I haven’t cried for a while and seeing this couple sitting opposite me just caused having a lump in my throat. My friend was talking something and I could see her moving her lips but could not hear what the hell she was saying. I could only hear my heartbeat in my throat. My eyes were full of tears, everything become blurry, I could see it coming. I quickly lean to her, can we please move the sits I said, there is this couple in front of me and remind me on us and I am about to burst in a cry. Without any hesitation, she was up in half of the second, moved her daughter and let me sit on her chair. I still cried, but quietly without drama, facing outside the restaurant, I could see only my friend and her gorgeous child. She passed me the tissue.

I choose to be single because I did not want to be with someone who doesn’t love me. But it still hurt, like nothing before. Something died tonight.