Week No9

(I started this writing project for myself, straight from my soul to mind, no editing or trying to make it look right or correct. So, if you are all into the grammar thing, carry on with your life like I don't exist. This project is called 10 min a day.)

10 min a day Sunday 06/01/2019

OMG, thank you so much for Lucy, Jen and Barboras newsletters this Sunday. Thank you so so so so much. None of these girls really know me but man, I am so grateful for their existence. This morning I got 3 different emails and all three made me feel so much better.

I was a bit of overwhelmed as this January kicked in and new year. I felt like I wasted my 2018 and could not see anything good in it (still trying to write the 12 best things I did in 2018 and I am still with 3 only). The whole year was emotional, physically and financially very difficult for me and could not be happier that was finally finished. Being in January and reading about all New Year resolutions I start thinking, what is my new year resolution? What is my word of the year? I was thinking about this from 1st of January until today. Until I read these 3 emails.

1st Lucy’s email 8.59 am

The subject of the email was: I still don't have a f@£king word of the year. Lucy’s newsletters are so refreshing, honest without to try to please someone. She is who she is and that’s it, take it or leave it. She is a mother to Anais, a freelancer journalist, podcaster, vegan queen and activist to reduce your waste. She is full of wonderful advice. I love to follow her on her social media and today’s newsletter was just the cherry on the top.

2nd Jen Carrington Letters

I have been getting Jen’s emails for a while now and they are just balsam for my soul. The way how she writes. Every time when I get her email I make myself a cup of hot tea and sit in my writing chair with blanket and chocolate. I read it slowly and sometimes twice. Every word that she says make sense and it’s pleasant to know you are not alone. Jen is a coach for creatives and a writer.

3rd Barbora Her Internest 12.14 pm

One of the most creative people that I meet on Instagram. A photographer and writer (with a full-time job). She was talking about a new challenge that she is doing in 2019 but starts with a sentence: New year, old me. Wow. This my dears, is what I am talking about. Thank you this is what I had to hear.

Thank you so much girls from the bottom of my heart for showing up for us. I know it’s difficult, but I really appreciate every word you write for us. Lots of love from my heart to yours.

10 min a day Monday 07/01/2019

I still don’t have any resolutions for 2019 and no sight for my word of the year. But guess what, I don’t feel bad about it. Like Barbora said in her last newsletter New Year, old me.

It was my first working day today and whatever I planned to do today did not happen. I take time off every year from before Christmas until 1st week in January to spend time with my family. So being away for so long, I planed my first week back to work quite well. That’s what I thought. Sometimes when people get sick you have to put on hold everything. Even if that means that others are waiting for you. And it's fine. I learned today that until we all do our best in our limitations, all is fine. So, grateful for the team I work with.

10 min a day Tuesday 08/01/2019

I woke up this morning with my word of the year. I was dreaming about it. It’s grateful. My word for the year 2019 is grateful.

My colleague was talking about her partner, after listening to her for a while I said to her, I am so happy I am single. Can you imagine?? I really said this. It was so spontaneous and calm that I did not even realise until she becomes quiet. I said, what, did I say something? I honestly did not notice. So, she repeated what I said, and I was just looking at her. Bless her, she was looking at me and waiting for the reaction. I am so happy I am single, I said and added, for me, not for you. We both started laughing.

I also have my New Years resolution. It’s to stop being hard on myself. Well, at least I can try. It's so funny, that yesterday i did not have the word or resolution and today I am going to bed with both. Looking forward this 2019.

10 min a day Wednesday 09/01/2019

I recently said how could I forgot about myself so much and what my dreams are. So, today I took my diary from 2002. It’s from the time when I met my first boyfriend. What an interesting reading. That was like 17 years ago and I was so young. :)

I got a card sent to me from Norway, from a girl that I don’t know but recently I had more conversations with her than with my closest friends. I cried again. This time because of happiness, because of such a small act of kindness and because what she wrote. I am so grateful for every minute that she took and did this for me.

10 min a day Thursday 10/01/2019

Did you know that actor Penelope Cruz changes fairytales endings when she reads to her kids? To the point, that princess at the end says no, to the price when he asked her to merry him. How about that? Princesses that said NO? She replays with no, I will go to the Uni and study or no, I will become an astronaut. I did not know that.

Did you ever think about what we were told as kids? That we have to find the one and only when we find the one we can be really happy. How do you bringing up your daughters, is the question? Do you let them play with boys games or you keep giving them Barbies? Do you let your girl say I want to be vet and will live with lots of dogs? Or do you stop her and say, one day when you grow up you will meet a man who will make you happy and have your own family and kids? The husband will look after you. What exactly do you say to your little girls? And what do you say to your boys? How do you bringing up your sons?

I am not a mother myself and I know I been in this journey of searching for the One for a while, tolerating lots of assholes. Growing up with Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. Don’t understand me wrong, of course, it's not Sleeping Beauty or Cinderellas fault that I am single at my 32, again. But guess what? This princes finally woke up and she will buy her shoes herself. F@£$@ Prince the Charming.

10 min a day Friday 11/01/2019

After my PRP today I catch up with my friend at her place. She asked me to go out for lunch but after I said I can’t afford it, she admitted she can’t afford it either. So, we had lunch at hers instead.

I told her all about my new year resolution and the word of the year. She agrees with me and blesses my ideas. She asked me how I am and honestly, I want to say I am fine, but I am not. I don’t know how I am. I am just grateful for everything that I have. Everything is happening for me not against me. And I have to give myself more gratitude. She said, fair enough. How does that going? It's getting there, I said to her. Being single is very difficult, she says. We live in London and everything is so expensive. I agree. We are not meant to be alone, we should be in a couple, get married and have kids, settle down. I asked her, what if this is not true? What do you mean, she asks me? Well, it's exactly the same like success. What is a success for me it is not for you, what is for your friend its not for you. There are different definitions of success, different definitions of partnership, different definitions of friendship and different definitions of relationship. There is no right or wrong, we are just different. Yes, it is easier to be a couple, two salaries, more financial freedom, but its easier to be alone too. Being alone does not mean lonely. I think there are pros and cons on both sides. I said to my friend, there is lots of compromises when in a relationship, please do not be like me and completely forgot about yourself. And if someone ever says to you, that your hair looks messy you should go and brush them. You should say, go Fu@k yourself.

10 min a day Saturday 12/01/2019

How small twist in a day can make you feel so much better or so much worse. It is scary how some attachments to people can be so devastating for us. And before we realise it, we are so deep in it that its difficult to get out. Not impossible, just difficult.