(I started this writing project for myself, straight from my soul to mind, no editing or trying to make it look right or correct. So, if you are all into the grammar thing, carry on with your life like I don't exist. This project is called 10 min a day.)
10 min a day Sunday 13/01/2019
I took myself for a date tonight. I went to the cinema on my own to watch The Favourite. While standing in the queue for a ticket I noticed that I am the only one alone, every one were in couples or with someone. I bought my ticket and popcorn and went to the screen. After I sat down I realised that I would rather be here on my own than with someone who would sit next to me, but at the same time being so far from me.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we forget what we like and what we want just to please someone else? Why do we start pretending that we are someone else? Why do we become just fine with it? Apparently, we just become tired. Tired of proofing ourselves, tired of fighting for ourselves, tired to say anything. This is not love, this is fear of being alone. We put up with the things that we never ever wanted, we end up on the other side of the world with someone who makes us feel so small and bad about ourselves, that we regret even coming. But we should be grateful, they say. Because you are lucky that you are not alone. This is so wrong. Why do we waste our time with someone that does not make us happy?
There is a massive difference between being alone and being lonely, that's for sure. Being alone, means being physically being alone in a no company. Being lonely means being with someone, but still feeling you are alone. There could be several reasons for this, but I got it down to one, fear. Fear of missing out, fear of doing it on your own, fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of not fitting in. Fears are the gatekeepers of our biggest dreams. What are you scared off?
10 min a day Monday 14/01/2019
Am I failing?
10 min a day Tuesday 15/01/2019
Not sure how to fix all this.
10 min a day Wednesday 16/01/2019
I read somewhere that writing is like a muscle. You have to keep using it to get used to using it. Sorry, I just remembered who said it was Helen from Bakishbooker. I really like it. It's sound right.
I said to my friend the other day that I am thinking to go on dating detox. And she asked me if I even know, what does this mean? Its a detox from dating, I say to her. She looked at me and said with her very gentle voice, do you even know what detox is? Detox means, to stop something that you are overdoing it, so you make a break to recover, to clean your body or mind. When did you last time went for a date, she asks me? Am, 5 years ago. Then you can’t have a dating detox if your last date was 5 years ago and that was with the man that you stayed in the relationship for nearly 5 years. We both start laughing like crazy. I guess I can forget about this idea. Babe, you don’t need a dating detox or any detox, but you need a therapist. We laugh again.
10 min a day Thursday 17/01/2019
Now when dating detox is out of my 2019 plan I have no idea what to do.
10 min a day Friday 18/01/2019
My friend said to me on Facetime call, I hate that we watched Sex in The City when we were growing up. I said, why? She was so angry. Look she said, I spend nearly 8 years waiting for the same man, who always from the day one put everyone on the first place than myself. I waited and waitied, I hoped that one day he will give ma chance because he always loved only me. I watched how he proposed another woman, while he was coming back to me and saying he loves me. I watched when he got married, while he was coming into my home and slept in my bad. I watched when he got first, the second and third child while he was saying how much he wants me. He wants us to create our life together. Except that he already created one in front of my eyes, while I just patiently waited for him. Because I saw Carrie waited for Mr Big and hoped that he is my Mr Big. She finishes her story in tears.
10 min a day Saturday 19/01/2019
I went to bed this morning at 2.37 am, because I couldn’t stop reading a book. It’s the third book about Louisa Clark (Still me by Joyo Moyes) and I enjoyed it so much. I did not want to read it at the beginning and was keep saving it for later. But then all of sudden yesterday morning, on Friday, I get this urge to read it. And I did it. I finished it today and 3 pm.
I also manage to open my running season, done my first 5k this year. Went to the cinema with my friend's kids to watch Mary Poppins and love it. We all ate lots of sweets and popcorn.
I am in bed now at my friend's house. Not sure how I am feeling, except grateful. I feel grateful.