Week No3

(I started this writing project for myself, straight from my soul to mind, no editing or trying to make it look good or correct. So, if you are all into the grammar thing, carry on with your life like I don't exist. This project is called 10 min a day.)

10 min a day Sunday 25/11/2018

When you waste your opportunity, you must feel bad. I felt terrible every time I wasted my chance, my friends feel bad when they wasted theirs, so I guess it’s normal. But what is not normal is wasting your opportunity and blaming someone else for it. That’s just bad.

10 min a day Monday 26/11/2018

I found this in my motivation quotes: “I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.” By @rosebudthewriter

I really wanted to talk about a broken heart, but I forgot what I wanted to say. So, here is the question for you: what hurts more, broken heart because of love or broken heart because of broken friendship? They are both relationships and they can hurt. I remember when I was younger, much younger, I had a very emotional break up with a very close friend and it hurt like hell. I was wondering how I should carry my life without this friend, who should I ask for advice. If something like this happens it is important to keep in your mind, the pain passes. Years ago, I took it so personally, like a personal attack and I could only see how hurt I was. Fast forward to now and friendship breakups still suck. Breakups are not nice in general. Anyway, what’s the difference between the break up then and now, is that they are so much less stressful. It still took lots of attacks for the decision to be made. And if you ask why it took so long, is because you move through friendship saying, that is just a way how they are, we love them with their good and bad habits. But this is the way how they get away with it when they get very bad to us. The decision, that I do not want to spend any of my energy and time with someone who makes me feel bad about myself. Simple as that. Not personal. Life is just too short.

10 min a day Tuesday 27/11/2018

I could feel the pressure behind my nose and my eyes. I took another glass of warm water, hoping it will release the tension. After precisely 15 min when you expect for the pain to go down, mine went deeper in my head. And a little bit higher, more towards my eyes. I touched my left eye and press in the corner where my eyebrows start. I was pressing hard, but the pain inside was stronger. So sharp. I removed my hand to release the blood flow on that spot. Of course, it did not help. I don’t know how to describe how it felt. Maybe like someone would keep cutting with a small sharp knife on the same spot, all over again.

I haven’t had any headaches for ages. This was the reason why this one was such a surprise. And the power of it was ridiculous. I was planning to go to the gym but not with this in my head. Got a lift home and went straight to bed for an hour. Honestly, dark space and a nap is a life-changing for me. Plus a painkiller. Did you ever have a headache? So painful that you just want to stick your head in a dark hole and stay there until passes?

ps.: I did something but I need to keep it for myself until tomorrow :) My younger sister and myself, to be honest, we did it together. And that makes me one happy lady.

10 min a day Wednesday 28/11/2018

I woke up in London and went to bed in Ljubljana. No one still knows, but they will find out tomorrow for my middle sisters birthday. Every time when I fly home to Slovenia I am so happy going home. I am so happy to see my family and friends and just to be at home. But coming back home to England makes me happy so much. Is it possible to feel like this with two different places? Is it possible to have two homes? One in Slovenia and one in England. I am not talking about owning a property, because I can’t afford that. I am talking about your home in your heart. And every time when I am leaving my family and friends I am wondering why am I  doing this? Why am I wasting my time while I could spend it with people that I care the most? My heart loves them more than anything, and I would love to be with them. Why am I keep coming back to my other home? Because England feels like a home. My family is in a different country, and I would love to move all of them here and live happily ever after. But my family is happy in Slovenia and that is their home. It’s only me who feel this home thing somewhere else too. And I don’t know why? Whenever I leave Slovenia I am sad, but when I land in England, my heart is happy. So it goes like this:

Leaving England = sad

flying to Slovenia = happy

Leaving Slovenia = sad

Landing in England = happy

Sad, happy, sad, happy relationship between two countries, one heart and a soul. Here goes the thing, my heart is in Slovenia but my soul is in England. There is something so strong in me that wants me to be in UK. It’s stronger than heart and love, and it’s called a soul. So, why do I have to be here? What is the reason for taking me far from home in Slovenia and wanting me to stay here? What do I need to do? At the moment the only thing I do know is that I need to be here, for whatever reason. I ignored my soul for a while and got distracted, but I can hear it now again properly. I just can’t figure it out what exactly she is saying. Yet.

10 min a day Thursday 29/11/2018

This morning I walked into my family's home in Slovenia to surprise my middle sister for her 30th birthday. I walked into the flat with a golden balloon and my dad opened the door and was speechless. Bless him. I walked in and my sister wasn’t there. Lol. This is what happens in the real world, you think it will look like one in those movies. So, when you try to surprise someone next time bear in your mind, they might not be at home. Lol. We were laughing so much. So, we all (mum, dad, my younger sister and her son) had to wait for a birthday girl to come in. When she saw me, she started crying. Well, we all cried really. It was so lovely and so emotional and so happy. I went to her birthday dinner at one off the local restaurants and had such a fantastic time. We had Mexican food and lots of tequilas. My dear sister, happy birthday, wish you all the best. Hope all your dream will become true.

10 min a day Friday 30/11/2018

I still feel quite emotional from yesterday. It was so nice to be at my sisters 30th birthday. My sister was so happy and the whole travel to Slovenia was worth more than anything at the moment. Having both of my sisters by my side empowered me so much. They are such an inspiration to me and my biggest support. I am so grateful that my soul chose to be part of their lives.

10 min a day Saturday 01/12/2018

I dreamed about Paris this morning. I dream that I am there with my two dogs and writing my second book. It was raining and we were inside. There was no music, it was just snoring and rain. I could see us so clearly. When I finished writing we went for a walk. They hate rain as much as I love it. After a walk we came back in and had a tea croissant.

Happy December. Its been 2 months since I am on my own. Its quite weird feeling and scary too. It is one of the biggest things that I have done in my life. Well, it's the second biggest thing. The first one was when I moved to London, back in 2013. If someone would say to me, at the beginning of 2018, what will happen in this year, I would never believe it. I am really trying to write a personal letter to myself to reflect 2018, to give myself encouragement for the future, but not sure where to start. Well, I know where to start but not sure how to keep it short. There are so many things I would like to write. I want to write this letter and share it with you on the 31st of December 2018. Good luck to me.