Week No5

(I started this writing project for myself, straight from my soul to mind, no editing or trying to make it look good or correct. So, if you are all into the grammar thing, carry on with your life like I don't exist. This project is called 10 min a day.)

10 min a day Sunday 09/12/18

Happy birthday to my youngest sister. Wish her all the best from the bottom of my heart. I can’t believe how time flies, where did all these years went?

I had such a productive day, was shooting a lovely girl called Kristobal from I Want You To Know and had even lovelier chat with her afterwards. The coffee we had was discussing.

End up my day in tears after a conversation with my very close friend. She said to me, everything will happen if you really want to if you really decide for that something it will happen towards this. She said you chose to move and you moved. You left your dogs behind, she said how determined you were. She upset me so much that I could not calm myself down for hours afterwards. The reason why I didn’t feel offended is that she was right. I did not bring decision in my head yet, I am not determined enough for whatever reason. And I know exactly what that reason is, it’s a finical one. I am scared how I am going to manage it on my own. I went to bed in tears and the wish what I want.

10 min a day Monday 10/12/2018

The conversation that I had yesterday was an interesting one. I am so grateful to my friend for being with me for so long. She saw me fall and raise so many times and she was always there. We know each other for more than 25 years. She always says to me how lucky she that she is part of my life and to be honest, I am the luckiest.

10 min a day Tuesday 11/12/2018

I am sick of the feeling that I have to look I have all my shit together. I am sick of the feeling when people trying to look they have their shit together. I am so sick of it. I don’t have my shit together and lots of us doesn’t , so what? There is nothing wrong if you don’t know what are you doing. It’s good to know of course, but if you don’t, it is what it is. There is nothing wrong if you don’t know what you want. It’s good to know of course, but if you don’t know it is what it is.

We all feel lost sometimes, we all question our own existence, but still manage to move on. But I am sick of the feeling of being judged because of my moments of weakness. I really am. I wish for people to be more honest about their struggles, not on social media, but in private, face to face, with a friend, with a real conversation. But everyone is pretending they are holding they shit together instead to hold a space for each other, for a friend who's struggling, and listen. Just listen, for a second to stop talking about themselves or trying to be smarty pants in someone else’s situation. Just for a second.

10 min a day Wedsnday 12/12/2018

I don’t understand how people can call me brave and saying, you did it really good. I am very scared person, there is nothing brave here or about me. You live on your own you are the owner of your life, I have been told. I wish I could hear myself saying this to myself. I am so scared that I go to bed with my bedside lamp on. How brave is that? I am so scared that I woke up with every bloody voice in the flat. Here you go.

10 min a day Thursday 13/12/2018

I can’t believe I googled this, but I did. I am noticing this problem for a while now, but today I had to google it. “How can single girl zip her dress?”

It came out, did you mean: How can a single lady unzip her dress! So I click that. The first post was from 2013 and it shows its not only me with this problem. When I clicked on it, it went on the forum! Haven’t been on the forum for ages. A person called E_E posted this question in 2012 and a person biff replied:

Screen Shot 2018-12-17 at 00.26.39.png

I start laughing so much because my next neighbour is a man and I can’t imagine knocking on his door and asking him to help out with my zip. Later at work, I had a chat about this with my colleagues, and they suggested me to see a movie called How to be single. Apparently, it’s already been discovered how to zip and unzip your dress when you are single. Just watch the movie, they said. Okay anyway, but I still can’t close my dress.

The reason for all this zip drama was because I went out for the first time since being a single lady. But once when I got to the restaurant I realised why it took me so long to even go out. It was not the dress. Just looking through the menu and prices I start having this alarm in my head, can I even afford this? That weird feeling in my tummy. “You are renting on your own, have no idea about your direct debits with the debts and you are out for a meal.” The moment I was about to panic my friend walked in and all my thoughts went away. When I saw her I calm myself down. She looked amazing and just seeing her made me realise how proud I am at her. She lives on her own from her 16th and manages her life and finances how she wants it. She travels and going out, studying for her masters and just living her life. Yes, it’s difficult, she said, but it has so much personal pleasure. She is such a live inspiration for me and she could be for anyone. When she sits at the table, she asks me if I am okay. I said yes, and I really am. We order a bottle of Prosecco because we both celebrate. I know exactly what, but my friend will find out soon. I took a deep breath and in my head say to my soul, it’s your turn on now, you do you, and She starts giggling.

O yeah, if you are wondering about the dress, no is the answer, I did not ask my neighbour and I could not ask, I would die from embarrassment. ;)

10 min a day Friday 14/12/2018

Gosh, today was an interesting day. My friend stayed overnight and we went to bed at 2.00 am in the morning. And this is shocking for me, because I am in bed every night at 10 pm, latest at 10.30 pm. If I don’t go to bed by 11 pm, you better run out of my sight. Anyway, 2 am was a way too late for me. We had such a lovely evening, and both woke up with a bit of hangover. I made us breakfast, and we both sat on the sofa until 10 am until her cab arrived. After she left, I went to the kitchen to tide up and realised that my kitchen board where the cooker is and the airway has some spots on it. I was looking at it, but there was no way I make them this morning. When I tried to clean it, the bloody marks did not go away. I tried again and again. Mind you, they’re where everywhere. I could not believe how did I manage to destroy the kitchen. All that I wanted was to clean it, not to damage it. I had a breakdown because I had to tell my landlady and it’s so embarrassing I just moved in and I will have to pay for it and omg. All in tears I called my sisters that I destroyed the kitchen. She was calm and asked lots of questions while I was sobbing. Like did you try this cleaning product before you started with cleaning on a small area first? Noup. I thought people do this only when you have cosmetic treatment. They test your skin with the product they will be using only on a small patch of your skin. She said, you should next time. She asked me did I read the instructions? Noup. Its justa cleaning product. She said, you should next time and that everything is written there. Thanks for telling me now I said to her. Mind you she is 3 years younger than me and I have no idea how she knows this. After the whole discussion, she said to me very calm, clean it again. I was like what? Again. She was, yes with the same cleaning product. I was like, is she crazy? I said to her if she is joking. She said well you already destroyed it and we will pay for it, so you as may try to clean it again and see what happens. I was like, this makes sense. So I start cleaning it on the front, just a small patch as I been instructed earlier, to see if it works. Once when I did it, I noticed that she asked me to try this on the side, not on te visiable place, and I did it on the front. What was wrong with me? Anyway, in all this panic I messaged my landlady to let her know, and even she said not to worry, let’s check when she comes in. Well, it bloody worked on that small patch on the front. What a stress and mess. My landlady came in and I showed her, nearly cried again and she had to give me cuddle to calm me down. She said to me, you are very clean person so don’t worry that much. Honestly, I could not believe how lucky I am to have a landlady like this. She stayed at mine-hers for two hours because we were waiting for the company to come and inspect the property for a leak. Guys, I joke you not, we had such a fantastic time. Proper women chat about life. We had tea and I am so grateful for another amazing woman in my life.

10 min a day Saturday 15/12/2018

Wow, there is so much conversation going on in between my friends, what is a friendship. Like what is real, healthy friendship? It is so interesting to be part of this discussion. We all been hurt and people who hurt us come to our lives sooner or later afterwards. My friend has been hurt by two of her girlfriends in this year in two completely different situations, and she is still confused about what and why it happened. When she asked me what do, I honestly did not know what to say. I only remembered what one of my friends said to me ages ago about lover relationships. And because I already said it, that friendship with a friend, is the same as a love relationship, it’s still a relationship. Anyway, my very clever friend said,

“Your relationship needs to make your life better with that person in it, than without it. Not harder.”

That is it, simple and straightforward. If the relationship makes your life harder in anyway than it’s not right for you. It’s sounded simple when she said it to me, and today I passed this information to my friend and she said exactly the same. It’s sound simple but it’s not. Of course, it’s not simple in practice, because emotions, hope and expectations are involved.

How to be a good friend, she asked me and I said, I don’t know, I am learning every day, making mistakes on a daily basis. But for a start, do not make your friends feeling bad about themselves, don’t judge, don’t try to be funny when there is no time for it, hold the space for them, listen to them, life is not only about us. Just be there.