Week No4

(I started this writing project for myself, straight from my soul to mind, no editing or trying to make it look good or correct. So, if you are all into the grammar thing, carry on with your life like I don't exist. This project is called 10 min a day.)

10 min a day Sunday 02/12/2018

It’s interesting when I decided to share my voice with this 10 min writing a day I literally lost my physical voice. I woke up this morning and could not talk. Had a whole day photo session's and was without a voice. So I whispered.

On my last photo session of the day, my both lights broke and I was about to cancel it. I already asked the family if they could come next week again. Feeling so embarrassed and so disappointed in myself. I have been told so many times that I am not a professional photographer because of all sort of things. Talking to this amazing family and apologising it, because I am not organised enough to have a spear bulb (which I had like 20 of them) and a spear fuse (which I did not even know exist until now). I was failing at this moment, how could you even last to be a photographer for so long? I forgot about bloody fuse!

But this little girl was sitting there, on my yellow footstool covered in Christmas blanket and was waiting for her pictures to be taken. And some small voice inside me wanted to give her a cuddle, to give me a cuddle and wanted to take pictures.

This was a wonderful example of how ego is reacting on the situation and the brain trying to bring the rational decision. To rebook. But small little girl inside me, a soul, little Mina wanted something different. I said wait, went to my bedroom grabbed my small reading ikea lamp and start taking pictures. Guys, my little Mina and this little girl were so happy. At this moment I could be the worst professional photographer on the planet, but for these two little girls, I was just a photographer doing what I suppose to. It was so magical. Mind you, all this was happening in my head very fast. But now when in my bed and thinking about it, everything makes sense.

OMG, what an experience. It’s not about the artificial lights it’s about the lights inside us. Well, I will have to buy new lights eventually but that will be when I can afford them. In 2019.

Conclusion: it’s about light in me.

10 min a day Monday 03/12/18

Let’s talk about Christmas. For the last 5 years, I always put the Christmas tree up exactly 1st of December. And took it down the end of January. Except for the last year when we celebrated Christmas at my friends' house so we borrowed her our Christmas tree. And this year because I don’t have one. I gave it away to someone who will celebrate with their family. Well to be completely honest I never had a Christmas tree it was someone else’s. But that’s not the point. It is weird, from Saturday already when I suppose to put the tree up, because I had this habit for a few years of doing something on the same day. Mind you, my family doesn’t celebrate Christmas so this was something I adapted in London. Even so, I decorated Christmas tree every year on my own, I still did it with a pleasure and happiness, to create a home. Not sure why I feel so emotional about it today. I could go and buy a Christmas tree like now. Tesco 24 hours work and it’s only 5 min walking distance. But even that is not the point. The point is, it’s not about literal Christmas tree but about doing something to make your loved ones and yourself happy. My family doesn’t celebrate it and it’s only me now, so how can I make myself happy?

10 min a day Tuesday 04/12/18

My financial situation is causing me being scared. What the fuck I am even doing? Being single has its own price. Being or trying to be independent has its own price. It’s only a second month and it’s normal to be all over the place. The bloody direct debits are going out of my account and I don’t even know when or what for. There are so many things I have to learn. I guess it’s a time about the time to take over control over my financial life too. Sharing my frustration with few colleges at work and friend of mine I got advice to set up all my direct debits on one week. How could I forget about this? So, everything that needs to be paid will go out at a similar time. That sounds so much better.

I am reading this book now Rise Sister Rise and it’s full of things that I need to know. This one I changed into the first person, but originally Rebbeca said it “you/we don’t want”, her it is:

I don’t want to be in survival mode, I want to trust my life.

I want to do things because of pleasure, not pressure.

I don’t know how the hell I can relate this to paying bills but that what I was reading at the time. The only thing that comes to my head is that the freedom has its own price. I trust my life and I am doing things because of pleasure. Somehow anyway.

10 min a day Wednesday 05/12/18

I gave up. I put up the Christmas tree up. Yeey. Well, don’t get excited, it’s only my version of the Christmas tree. I don’t think anyone will like it, but it’s for me. My soul wanted it so badly. So, I made one from a cardboard. Taking this minimalism very seriously, maybe a bit too much. Not sure if Jessica Williams would be proud of me, but I stick to her advice and put only lights on it. Butterfly lights. Where are the Christmas presents, I hear you asking. No, I haven’t forgotten them, there is no any. This year for Christmas I am giving away my time to people that I care and love. Yes, I am giving my time. The time that I will never get back. That’s why I am choosing very wisely who will get it. And my heart hopes, that for this Christmas present I will get from my friends their time. So we can use our Christmas presents together. That’s it. No wrapping. It’s time and experience only. And wine. And gin. And red Lindt chocolate. And minced pie. That’s it.

10 min a day Thursday 06/12/18

Still quite into the having cold thing.

I left my work earlier today due to feeling a bit unwell. I came home and went to bed. I had two hours of sleep and then got visits. I am so grateful to women around me. They are all so unique, have their own personalities and I have such a privilege to be in their lives.

How I really feel? After living on my own for 2 months. It seems that everyone is more excited and happy than me. I, on the other hand, feel quite weird. I feel so grateful to get the property I wanted. It looks amazing in my eyes. And every time when I woke up I smile. I honestly do. I don’t remember this feeling from before. What was before it was before I really do not want to think about it anymore. How can I make myself happy? I would love to do a few things but at the moment financially I can't do it. I would love to visit Marrocco again. And I would love to give second chance to New York.

10 min a day Friday 07/12/2018

I love my Friday’s and being off. However, I am officially announcing that I am sick, which means that I am still without a voice and having a cold on top of it. I have this annoying cough. Being sick its never nice, but somehow I still manage to have a productive day and finished so many editing. Still, have to do some more tomorrow. I stayed in bed a lot and rested, reading, drinking tea and napping.

At the moment I am still reading this book Rise sister Rise. I am fascinated by how does the writer Rebecca Campbell manage to put it down so nicely. This is her second book and it is something to read if you ever felt that you don’t fit anywhere and feel different. There are reasons for it all. She will not give you the answers but direct you into directions where to look for more. Love reading it.

10 min a day Saturday 08/12/2018

Being sick.

This is what you wanted, you left, you brought the decision, so move one.

- The words that hurted me so much by my close friend.